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tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  January 8, 2013 11:30pm-12:00am PST

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>> jon: that's our show.
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join us tomorrow night at 11:00. here it is your moment of zen. >> your bowel has been reconstructed. as i'm walking to the press room, i feel like i have to pass a little gas here. i'm walking by myself who is going to know captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by >> stephen: tonight, science finds the key to a long, healthy life. whatever it is, i bet it tastes good fried. [ laughter ] then, controversy over the new bin laden film. they shouldn't have let him do his own singing. [ laughter ] and my guest, chris kluwe, is an nfl punter and gay rights advocate. wow, pretty brave for an nfl player to admit he's a punter. [ laughter ] jimmy kimmel starts in his new
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11:35 time slot tonight. but since he's my direct competition, i refuse to mention him. this is "the colbert report." captioning sponsored by comedy central ["the colbert report" theme music playing] [cheers and applause] thank you, ladies and gentlemen. welcome to the report. [crowd chanting see stephen] [cheers and applause] thank you, ladies and gentlemen. [cheers and applause] welcome to the report, folks. i have to thank you for that and i want to thank you for joining me in here, out there nation, we all know the economy's not in great shape. just today the dow dropped fifty five-- of whatever it is.
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[ laughter ] dow-lers. [ laughter ] so i was glad to hear that one of my investments skyrocketed in value today. >> forever is going to cost you more, and by forever i mean united states post office's forever stamp. come january 27, it goes up by one cent. [ laughter ] >> stephen: folks, i don't wanna brag but back in 2007, i bought dozens of forever stamps when they were still 41 cents a pop. now they're 46 cents. god knows how much that's worth. [ laughter ] every time i send a letter, that's pure profit! every second i'm not lickin', i'm losing money. [ laughter ] but as smart an investment as this was, it just proves the government can't do anything right. this price hike is an outrage. a penny?! let me get this straight, post office. i put a letter like this in a
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metal box on any street corner in, say, miami and within a couple days it's delivered in seattle, washington. and for that you want 46 cents? [ laughter ] you go to hell. [ laughter ] what -- what? what am i, made of cents? what's next? 47 cents?! there's no telling what's after that. [ laughter ] well screw the post office. at this price, i'll deliver my own letters, thank you. [ laughter ] note to self, check orbitz for flights to everywhere. [ laughter ] nation, they say an apple a day keeps the doctor away. that's why last year, i bought 365 iphones. this is cheating death with dr. stephen t. colbert, dfa.
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[cheers and applause] ♪ [cheers and applause] quick disclaimer: i am not a medical doctor. i'm an honorary doctor of fine arts, so most of my patients do a pretty good impression of "the scream." as always, cheating death is brought to you by prescott pharmaceuticals. prescott: see what everyone's suing about! [ laughter ] first up, aging. >> old! >> stephen: thanks. folks, we're all searching for the secret to longevity. me, i'm not worried. because according my medical history, i've been alive every day of my life. [ laughter ] so project that forward, and i will never die. that's math. [ laughter ] and folks, there is new evidence that the stephen colbert lifestyle will ensure years from now you will be sitting pretty,
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enjoying free food at all your friends' funerals. [ laughter ] jim? >> can losing your cool actually be good for you? a new german study found people who express their anger live two years longer on average than those who bottle up their rage. >> stephen: yes, a german study found that expressing anger leads to a longer life. [ laughter ] although, when germans express their anger, others tend to live shorter lives. [ laughter ] folks, i've long known rage was a life saver. i learned it from my mentor rush limbaugh because every time you look at him you gotta ask, "how is he still alive?" [ laughter ] of course, not everyone is naturally blessed with soul-choking bitterness. luckily, the good folks at prescott have an exciting way to induce rage in the terminally calm. introducing: vacsa-ternity
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a wonder pill that will add years to your life in a single dose. now, to access the life-extending capsule simply take the plastic off the -- [ laughter ] i think i (bleep) chipped my tooth. [ laughter ] all right. that comes up, all right. like that. okay. [ laughter ] okay. -- okay now, simply the -- [ laughter ] [ applause ] simply, press cap upwards while underturning flap b. insert phillips head allen wrench-- not included-- and turn intra-clockwise with less than two pounds of (bleep).
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open up. give me my pills! [ laughter ] [cheers and applause] side effects of vacsa-ternity include: abdominal foosball, elbow-baggins, and the humpty hump. a. [ laughter ] of course, if you use vacsa-ternity and live forever, you're going to want a strong body and a sharp mind! so, our next subject: aging. >> old! [ laughter ] >> stephen: that is strangely familiar. [ laughter ] man has long searched for the fountain of youth. we've tried it all: potions, plastic surgery, watching "benjamin button" while standing next to a microwave. it's gotta do something.
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[ laughter ] well, there's new hope that we can turn back the clock. >> scientists now think that they found how to reverse effects of aging. according to stanford university, if you get a blood transfusion from someone younger it could help improve learning and memory. >> stephen: yes, the blood of the young can help improve your memory, although you will remember only xbox cheat codes and taylor swift's ex-boyfriends. [ laughter ] [cheers and applause] now, the study's author, doctor saul villeda, connected the circulatory systems of old and young mice so their blood could mingle, resulting in a 20% increase in connections between brain cells for the old mices. also known as the world's most disturbing episode of pinky and the brain. [ laughter ] apparently absorbing the blood of the young can reverse the effects of aging. which is great news, otherwise i would have to resort to something disturbing, like
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exercise. [ laughter ] folks, in light of this breakthrough, prescott is proud to introduce vacsa-tern a medical-grade young person harvested straight from my intern program. [ laughter ] nice to meet you, vacsa-tern. >> it's jay. >> stephen: shhh. no names. makes it creepy. [ laughter ] here's how it works. just find the pre-installed spigot on the intern's back. and fill 'er up with young! mmmmm, mmmmm. [ laughter ] wanna go skateboarding! lols! twitter! skinny jeans! [ laughter ] how you feeling, jay? >> no one ever calls me! where are my glasses?
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hispanic people steal! [ laughter ] >> stephen: quiet, grandpa! you're harshing my blood buzz. [ laughter ] you can go now. but stay close, jay. i'm so thirsty. [ laughter ] [cheers and applause] side effects of vacsa-tern include tongue depression, intercranial nougat, and craftmatic adjustable head. [ laughter ] that's it for cheating death, brought to you by prescott pharmaceuticals. remember our motto: one man's medical malpractice is another man's free anatomical skeleton! until next time, i'll see you in health! [cheers and appl
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welcome back, everybody. thanks so much. [cheers and applause] folks -- [cheers and applause] -- i don't think it's any secret that i'm a huge fan of going to the movies. it's a great place to catch up on my cell phonecalls. [ laughter ] one film i was really looking forward to was "zero dark thirty," oscar-winner kathryn bigelow's critically acclaimed
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film about the hunt for daniel day lewis. [ laughter ] i hear he's fantastic. i am so glad he's dead. [ laughter ] but, folks, i'm never going to see it now. because ms. bigelow was supposed to be my guest last night, and she cancelled at the last minute, and i was zero dark pissed. [ laughter ] evidently, lady oscar bait here chickened out of facing my music over a looming senate investigation into her film. ooo, i am angry. everyone else talk. >> seems like everyone is talking about "zero dark thirty," even the us senate. >> the senate committee is now reportedly investigating the movie about the hunt for osama bin laden. >> this movie suggests that torture may have led to information on bin laden being found. >> i think half an hour is advice call and viewers will get
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the idea that torture netted bin laden. >> stephen: evidently hoar is what they want to know. >> they want to know what the information was that tracked down the terrorist. >> and whether or not they tried to mislead them into torture finding bin laden. >> stephen: i say bravo, senate intelligence committee. we are long overdue for a thorough investigation into america's use of torture in movies. [ laughter ] not in reality. way back in 2009 president obama decided against an investigation. and a criminal investigation ended last year with no charges and no public report. and that's how it should be. because remember, nation, when it comes to actual torture, "what you don't know won't hurt you."
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[ laughter ] and if you do know, we will hurt you until you tell us what you know. [ laughter ] but this is more important than reality. this is the movies, where americans learn their history. [ laughter ] that's how i learned that slavery was bad, and lincoln was killed by a vampire. [ laughter ] again daniel day lewis is a genius. he will be missed. [ laughter ] the key question is not whether torture led to bin laden, but whether it will lead to oscarrrrrr! [ laughter ] because this movie is racking up the praise. last night it won the new york film critics most movie award. and my erstwhile guest bigelow somehow found time to attend that function, saying "depiction is not endorsement, and if it was, no artist could ever portray inhumane practices; no author could ever write about them; and no film-maker could ever delve into the knotty
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subjects of our time." okay. subject closed! though not the subject they're asking about. which is did the cia feed bigelow false information to justify the cia's torture program as effective when it is not? that is a knotty subject that i'm not sure the senate is prepared to investigate. the only way to know is for kathryn bigelow to make a movie about kathryn bigelow making this movie and then make sure that the cia gives her information that the information they previously gave her was true. [ laughter ] now i know that logic may seem tortured, but we know torture works, i saw it in a movie! [ laughter ] we'll be right back. ♪ [cheers and appla[cheers and ap]
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my guest tonight is an outspoken punter for the minnesota vikings. if you're into a frank discussion of kicking things, don't touch that dial. please welcome chris kluwe. [cheers and applause] hay, mr. kluwe. welcome to the though. i'm thrilled to have you here. i'm a fan of sport. sport or sport ball. you play the football, do you not? >> i do play the football.
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>> stephen: it's got the points on the end. >> it's elongated stonchts stitches on the top. i love it when they play that game. [ laughter ] minnesota, you guys this past weekend played green bay. >> we did. >> stephen: what some have called the cholesterol bowl. >> the cheese bowl i believe is another name for it. >> stephen: lands of meatz and cheeses. you got your ludifus handed to you. >> i played well. when i play well that's a sign the team is not playing well. >> stephen: because your job is to give the ball away. >> i'm a professional surrenderer. they call on me and say chris go give to the ball to the other team but do it in a good way so we're not hurt to badly. >> stephen: surrender in the least humiliating fashion. you love but green bay is practicing in the cold and you don't have to work tomorrow and you are haying out with celebrities. >> i think we seat winner here.
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>> stephen: don't get me wrong. [ laughter ] that is the last moment of camaraderie we're going to have. i'm about to bring it and there's no defensive line to protect you. come on. come on, really? >> i'm a football player that's what i do. i flex. >> stephen: that brings me to if i first subject. >> okay. >> stephen: the story here. the reason why your name is break out all over the place is because there was a baltimore ravens player. he came out in support of marriage equality. letting the gays marry, okay. a maryland state delegate who opposed gay marriage wrote a letter to the ravens owner asking the mer be silenced. you then wrote a letter, kind of on op-ed letter to deadspin. >> mm-hmm. >> stephen: why would you support gay marriage?
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you are in the most hyper masculine support in the world thank is true. >> stephen: football players are a thousand miles from gay. >> you would be surprised. >> stephen: no, no, men in tight pants patting each other on the butt nothing gay about that. get that butt out of my face. get it out of there. so angry. get that butt out of here! [ laughter ] why, what led you to do this? >> because i felt. first off i believe would you identify with this. >> stephen: i do not identify with anything. >> okay. the reason i wrote the letter because as an elected official delegate burns does not have the right to stifle free speesm that's the first amendment. when he wrote the letter saying stifle this man as free speech it irked me as an american because it's not what this country is about. i firmly believe people are people and deserve to be treated the same as everyone else.
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[cheers and applause] >> stephen: it's pretty easy to play the people are people card. i happen to know serve a person. you are pandering. >> there's no corporations out there? >> stephen: they are always welcome here. i do not discriminate. you didn't just like take issue with this guy. you wrote things along this line. you called the dell did you get quote "a narcissistic frumnda stain who said he was worried gay marriage would turn him into a quote lustful (bleep) monster. >> yes. [cheers and applause] [ laughter ] >> pleased to know so far with the defeat of the marriage amendment act in minnesota i have seen zero (bleep) monsters running around in minnesota. >> stephen: i'm shocked a man
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who spends so much time in a locker room would know such foreign -- foul language in the locker room but i play a lot of online gaming but the forum boards are a cesspool pit and you can learn foul things. >> jon: is troll on -- >> it's troll on ork. >> stephen: that say sickness. you've been vocal about gun control. >> i believe we should control guns more. >> stephen: should gay people be allowed to have guns? >> if they want to. if they are controlled. >> stephen: makes those pa raids even more frightening. >> imagine if you were at a pride parade and you start throwing rocks at the gay people and one of them pulled out an
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ar-15. would you throw rocks. >> stephen: first of all i would never throw rocks at a pride parade. >> why not? >> stephen: i would throw dplitter. >> even better. >> stephen: thank you so much from the minnesota vikings and a lot of editorial pages chris